Category: humour

It’s in the stars!

future crystal ball

 

“They often say, what’s the point of astrology if you can’t change your destiny? Well it’s true you can’t change your destiny, but it still helps knowing about gravity!” ~ Kedar Joshi

This morning I read my online horoscope and was pleasantly surprised to read the following words. “You are a powerhouse of ideas and creativity now. Plus you have the network over which to transmit them. Utilise both now.”  So here I am doing just that!

Apparently, I am ruled by the planet of unpredictability,  I am a visionary of the Zodiac, an inventor, a genius and a humanitarian.

Whats more,  today is going to be magical with playful and romantically charged lunar vibes! Wow, I am waiting on tenterhooks for a romantic gesture to come my way! Though that might depend on whether he gets around to reading this anytime this week!

And on that note, I leave you with  a couple of cynical paragraphs from the wonderful Grumpy Old Men book.

One of the most annoying lines in aged films and sitcoms is where some old twit says… astrologer, not astronomer, there is a difference, as though people in real life ever got them mixed up. Yes, it must be pretty hard to tell apart a man in a white coat holding a telescope and a degree in physics from some pillock in a turban with a fake Ruby in it! 

Astronomers and astrologers are completely different. One is a person who maps the movement of the stars via science, mathematics and telescopes. The other is a person who maps the movement of the stars via join-the-dots pictures of Bulls and centaurs and fish and then makes up a load of old rubbish about it. 

© Sue W-nansfarm.net 2017 In response to the daily word-prompt Tenterhooks

Even more from Grumpy Old Men

Street drinking outside the pavement cafes of Paris and the terrazzas of Rome, is a pleasant, relaxed affair. Outside a pub in Blackpool is an act of madness!

Grumpy Old Men is a collection of tales and complaints, written by grumpy old men and organised into a book of the same title.

Should I apologise for delivering a third helping of Grumpy Old Men? Yes, probably, but I’m not going to! As a WordPress colleague recently pointed out – if I continue extracting  bits from G.O.M. I won’t need to put my brain into gear, I can sit back on my laurels until Easter, or words to that effect!

Seeing as we’re about to hit the Christmas card writing and receiving season I’m   including another Christmas extract. For those of you who’ve already had their cards printed, all I can say is Oh dear!

Christmas Cards

“Oh here’s a festive scene. Alice and Ian Thompson, with the dog. Wow. What a lovely image. Because obviously when we think of Christmas, we think of the Thompson family, never mind Santa Claus and robins or the birth of Jesus, Christmas is all about Alison and Ian Thomson and their dog. I just can’t wait to see their Easter card!

Toys and Grown Men

‘Those baby boomer sad cases, who are so reluctant to let go of their pre-teenage years that they keep on buying dinky toys and action men and  (in some cases) Barbies. There are children, in orphanages and war Zones who would love to have a decent toy, but they can’t because, instead of giving their toys to Oxfam, these sad overgrown nappy wearers are keeping them all.’

That’s a nice dolly, Oh I’m sorry, Sergei, it’s a vintage Air Hostess Sindy and it’s worth £2000. Most annoying of all are the tossers who collect the Star Wars figurines or toys as we used to call them. Which they keep in the original bubble wrap. This is appalling. If you’re going to be a grown man who collects little toy space soldiers, the least you can do is get them out of the packaging and March them around the room, making little pee-oo noises to represent gun fire. Oh, go to hell.’

Patriotism

Your country is very nice. We’d all like to go there on holiday. Your economy is either better than ours or worse than ours; either way; it’s meaningless. Goodness me, what a lot of wars your country has been in. Gosh, it really has been around for a very long time. Well done. Now bugger off. It’s just another country, the world’s full of them.

Here have this globe; blimey, look at all those countries, no, the blue bit isn’t a very big country, it’s the sea. Take your flag down off your window or your flagpole, teach your kids your weird language but don’t make anyone else speak it.

Support your sporting team quietly, minus the honking horns and without waving your arms, crying or hitting anyone who doesn’t support your sporting team, and shut up. And that goes for all the tossers who think that they should all have a holiday on Saint George’s Day when most of them are too arse-holed on either single malt or super-strength lager to go to work in the first place.’

I think I might be one of those annoying folks who got on the nerves of the second grumpy old man, the one who complained about action toys, but at least I played with mine.

Jon Luc

I used to be a big Star Trek fan with Next Generation being my absolute favourite, so much so that my children presented me with little Star Trek figures. My affections back then were divided between William Riker and Jean-Luc Picard.

At the time  I had a male cleaner, no apologies for that,  I enjoyed having a man to boss around, the husband just ignored me!

RikerAnyway, Richard (the cleaner) decided it might be fun if Jean-Luc and Riker had a game of hide and seek.

It went something like this…  On cleaning day, Richard hid the figures, cupboards and drawers weren’t allowed,  when I came home from work I’d begin our little game and search the house to find where Riker and Jean-Luc were hiding, . To prove I’d found them I had to send a message and state their whereabouts. I hardly ever saw Richard but we had a lot of fun with this game and I was sorry when he left, and just in case you’re wondering, yes I am an adult.

© Sue W-nansfarm.net 2017

In response to the Daily word-prompt Honk

Extracts taken from ‘Grumpy Old Men’ – A manual for the British malcontent!  (David Quantick) 2004