Losing Control

Old Lady and loo from Sophie 2I do enjoy reading a good quote, they can be deep and meaningful such as this “Sometimes we give so much that we end up losing ourselves.And at the other end of the scale there’s this” I’m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I need to pee I should be okay!” I try to remain lighthearted and keep a sense of humour, but it’s not always easy.

A couple of days ago I read the words ‘Every woman is the architect of her own fortune.‘  I can’t even remember where I read this quote, but it stopped me in my tracks and forced me think about and take stock of my life, because for quite some time I’ve not felt as though I’m the architect of my own destiny.

I suppose I began to lose control of my life when my husband was diagnosed with a second cancer, one that wasn’t even related to the first. As his illness worsened, I watched him become a skeleton, a shadow of his former self and before long he began to resemble a little old man and there was nothing I could do about it.

I caught the flu, I developed a cough, it got worse and it put me in hospital. One diagnostic test led to another and another and another, until eventually I  was having surgery for problems that I didn’t even know I had and I couldn’t help wondering ‘what the heck is going on? I joked with one of the surgeons, ‘I only came in here with a cough’ (actually I couldn’t breath) ‘Why don’t you bring in a gynaecologist too and do a few more tests, you’ve done just about everything else!’ Little did I know that shortly after this quip, I’d need one of those too!

I got better, I wasn’t the one with cancer, but my husband died and from that moment on, my life and my sense of well-being and all that felt secure began to slip away from me. My family took control, decisions were made and my life was viewed through a blur, it happened around me as though it was nothing to do with me.

I went back to work and announced to the head-teacher (school principal) that this was to be my final year, I was told to train someone else, which, with so many elements to managing and teaching computing, turned out to be much easier said than done. Eventually, I sat back and watched as my role became dismembered and my control wither away as little parcels were handed over and shared between four others.

The eldest daughter and her family moved in and we began to build extensions, knock down internal walls and reconfigure the house. Everything that was familiar was being ripped apart, it was a change I’d thought I’d welcome, but once it was happening I didn’t.

I wanted to sit on the sofa in front of my old fireplace, but it was no longer there and I wanted to see my husband sat opposite in his big old leather chair, and hear his voice as he said “Well, if you’re going to watch this, I think I’ll go down to the pub for a pint.” Any excuse!

Today, the dust has settled, the house has been divided into two homes within one, and my own area is everything I could have hoped for and more.

My life is no longer a blur, I see clearly, but I never regained control, things continue to happen around me where I have no say. The insecurity is still there and occasionally I lose control of my emotions. Taking charge of what I want, my own needs and well-being has ceased to be within my grasp.

I’d like to think that this is just a case of the January blues and I’ll snap out of it, stop feeling sorry for myself and funnel my thoughts into a more positive frame of mind.

And who knows, perhaps the statement ‘Every woman is the architect of her own fortune’ might, just maybe, apply to me.

© Sue W-nansfarm.net2018  Linked to the word-prompt Funnel

Thank you to Sophie for the drawing of the little old lady. Authors of quotes are unknown.

11 thoughts on “Losing Control

  1. Oh dear Sue, I read your story, and in some parts I thought I was reading my own story. I don’t pretend to know how your feeling, but I can so sympathize with your journey over these years. And yes the rebuilding takes some time, but it’s never the same, our new directions and environments, just take some getting used to. I’ve been in my own little abode for nearly a year, and I think I’m starting to feel comfortable and at ease with myself. You know we’ll never be the same, it just doesn’t happen, I think being leisurely relaxed is the best it’s going to get (for me). Always wishing you the best, hugs from Ivor. PS. I was nearly going to be an Architect at one time in my life, haha, maybe that would’ve helped. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ivor for your lovely comments. I think I’m best ignored on low days, tomorrow I’ll be as chirpy as a button. Are buttons chirpy? Not sure where that came from. Tomorrow is another day Ivor, for us both. Oh I loved Gone With Wind! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. gc

    A well written and poignant blog article Susan.

    The January Blues is a fact of modern life.
    If you are having the January blues Susan then I am just getting over the December/January blues myself.

    It seems that when the sunshine disappears so do many folk’s optimism and verve for life.
    It has been a trying month and hopefully the two of us can gain some perspective to what is happening around us and become architects of our own lives.

    I am sure that this is only a temporary transitional state of mind for a person as vibrant, dynamic and optimistic as you usually are. 🙂 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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